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Print Posted on 12/28/2017 in Pregnancy

12 Things You Should Never Ever Whisper or Say to a Pregnant Woman

12 Things You Should Never Ever Whisper or Say to a Pregnant Woman

(1) “Did you try that IVF thing or IUI thing or the small bundle of joy you are expecting was conceived in an absolutely natural way?” 

‘Tell me about your personal experience first. I do want to know it. I do want to hear about your method. I am listening. Because your question is the most unethical one I have ever heard. It is not your business. The conversation is closed.’

The simple explanation why your friend, being pregnant told you that

Never ever ask this question if you do want to be a close friend. It is not your business. Never ever utter a single word about how the conception occurred. It is the utmost disruption of ethics. Just embrace that sooner your friend will have the beautiful tiny baby with gorgeous almond–shaped eyes. That’s it.

(2) “How much time have you struggled with infertility? Which method of treatment finally worked? Who was infertile, you or your beloved one? Are you sure that your small bundle of joy is actually YOURS? And what is about your doctor, do you have the first ultrasound to confirm the heart–rate and the chances of the viability of this embryo or you have already a fetus? How often should you monitor the heart activity of your fetus because if the heart rate would be slow, the heart can stop and everything can result in a miscarriage. So, have you scheduled your next ultrasound? Furthermore, the ultrasonography technician should have measured the parameters such as the fetal crown length,....”

‘I wish you just STOPPED ASKING! I wish you had never uttered this and I had never heard this. Because even the faded remembrances about infertility hurt too much. Sometimes, the pain doesn’t go away. Understand this, please. It is of vital importance for me. Sometimes facing the pain means learning to live with it. Some pains in this life don’t fade with time. It feels as it does in this moment. Every time I am asked about infertility and everything that is supposed to correlate with it, – I can’t breathe. Just can’t breathe. Because it hurts me to breathe. I must not embrace the discomfort. Ultimately, I have coped with infertility’s anxiety. I have released myself from carrying the burden of that pain. And you reminded me about it. So much negligence to my feelings, so much negligence to me. I am truly feeling the pain and trying hard to embrace it.’

The simple explanation why your friend, being pregnant told you that

Infertility is a taboo topic for discussion. Undoubtedly, it is a serious problem. It causes an endless number of headaches, frustration, and pain. It causes many marriages to break up and creates a sense of isolation, anger, and loss of self–worth. Many couples feel deeply frustrated and embarrassed about their inability to get pregnant because of veiled criticism, which can entail them in the future. If you’ve ever experienced infertility, you can understand the incredibly complex and maddening emotions that accompany the condition. But if you haven’t experienced it – NEVER ever ask these questions. Going through something like this alters everything inside your soul. You realize worst things happen and you may never know what someone has gone through, or what someone is going through. Be a little more compassionate with those who faced and struggled with infertility because you have no way of knowing if they are hurting still inside.

(3) “Congratulations! After our heartbreaking experience of three miscarriages, you are pregnant! This time when the ultrasound scan showed our baby her heart-rate was not slow, her tiny heart was beating and beating, the flashing light was bigger and faster, indicating her heart activity and she looked more like a fetus, despite being a raspberry–size! The previous time our eight–week baby was extremely tiny, a blueberry size and her heart beat so slowly, her heart rhythm was nearly disrupted, the doctor didn’t want to frustrate you, therefore, you were told that there was a chance that she would survive, but she was clinically considered ‘a nonviable fetus’, I had read the doctor’s notes on the second page of your pregnancy history, which I hid from you. So, right now the doctor wrote in your new medical card that she is ‘a viable fetus’! And instead of December 21st being a sad day to remember (and I wish we had never experienced the third miscarriage because it was the most confusing, embarrassing and frustrating death of our first baby who curled up inside you and was with us during nine full weeks) and December 21st could have been our first baby’s birthday, it has a different significance now. You would be during your fourth pregnancy and this so much doted on, so much loved and so much desired bundle of joy would be about nineteen weeks along! This fall, we are given a really gorgeous gift we can ever receive! So, FORGET about your previous miscarriages. You should cope with your embarrassment how everything will turn out eventually, you should cope with the thoughts occurred in your mind that everything might become wrong and we might experience the late miscarriage. Just think positively and everything will be wonderful!’

‘YES, nowadays everything is different. And this fall may be the most wonderful time we are having. I understand that you were hiding my medical card to soothe me in the moments when my anger and frustration was the utmost. But I cannot forget about all the miscarriages and I cannot hope with the feeling that it might happen to me again. There is never a guarantee that the miracle would happen. Miracles appear and disappear. The time really does heal, but the confusion, embarrassment, frustration, and sadness, never goes away. Here’s to lose and what could have been. Here’s to hope and holding December in my soul and in my heart. I cannot just FORGET about it. And all these three miscarriages showed me one thing: every moment with my loved ones is a wonderful, even mysterious miracle. You never know how long you will have with your loved ones and EVERY MOMENT IS AS ESSENTIAL AS THE LAST. Even if I had only nine wonderful weeks with my previous sweetie. I had the gift holding our previous sweetie every second that her heart was slowly but beating, until the moment it suddenly stopped and she died. She was just too perfect, too gorgeous, and too beautiful for this earth. I cannot just FORGET about it. It has been over a year now since my third miscarriage. And I don’t think I am ever ready to have a conversation about losing all of my three babies. And I just try to repress those dreadful memories, inspiring inside only those memories which I associate with the time when I hold every my small bundle curled up inside. I cannot just FORGET about it. In the worst moments of my life, I cannot FORGET about every loved unborn baby I have lost and I cannot cope with my overwhelming anxiety through understanding that it is actually unfolding into something new, something tiny, something miraculous. I cannot FORGET the days where I felt like a bundle of nerves, the days where I experienced the nervous break–down, the days where I suffered and the days where I learned I could cope with the worst situations and all the beautifully horrific moments in between all these. Every time I am told to FORGET, I recollect in my mind dreadful remembrances about my every miscarriage. Every single detail of my dreadful experience is vividly visualized as it has just happened to me.’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

No one is irritable, tired, or over–emotional if everything is wonderful and the moments are sparkling with happiness. When you lost the one you loved, even doted on, your heart is aching severely, and your spirit is absolutely broken, you feel that you are a bundle of nerves, you are a bundle of taut nerves, you are anxious, you cannot breathe without excruciating pain, and you are staying on your knees, exhausted, numb, depleted and defeated. You want to give up everything but there is something inside your soul that still whispers hold on for dear life, despite your faith has been shaken or completely disrupted. Pain is hidden deep inside but is still visible inside your eyes full of tears. Sometimes, anxiety is a reminder that you still want to hope for the things you have lost hope for, and tragedy is a reminder that you can still feel in a world that doesn’t want you to. Healing after the loss has no timeline, has no soothing words. The shock of the pain after the loss may never fully go away. It is just numbed beneath your remembrances affecting every new remembrance you have. Sometimes healing the loss of the beloved unborn baby comes in an absolute silence or a less shaky breath when you converse with somebody. Sometimes healing comes in the tiny moments when you notice someone’s wistful glance, when you glimpse someone’s gorgeous eyes, when you hear someone’s soothing voice, or when you understand the meaning of someone’s delicate whispered words.

(4) “Are you sure that your embryo is inside your womb and your pregnancy is not an ectopic one? Extrauterine pregnancy (EUP) or ectopic pregnancy (EP) is the abnormal implantation of an embryo outside the uterus (outside the intrauterine cavity), which causes adverse consequences, such as maternal morbidity or maternal mortality in the first trimester in case if the surgical management was not performed in time, therefore early diagnosis is an essential preventive strategy. It can be multisymptomatic or asymptomatic. Despite there are can be distinguished the multitude of symptoms, the most relevant one is abdominal pain. Abdominal pain (including abdominal pain with bleeding) must be considered as a strong indicator of ectopic pregnancy. How do you feel yourself? Did you have an abdominal pain? Or do you have an abdominal pain at present?”

‘YES, I know that you are a perfect medical specialist, an experienced professional and you do want everything to be all right. Thank you for reminding me about the risks of maternal mortality and morbidity and special thank you for describing the treatment options I might have. In fact, the very first thing I have done was ultrasound scan for knowing the embryo location. And my embryo is inside the womb, probably accurately curled up and sleeping deeply. In case if I ever experience the abdominal pain, I will schedule the urgent consultation with ultrasound tech and my doctor.”

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

Pregnancy is an overwhelming and miraculous thing. Being pregnant you beloved is experiencing a real flow of emotions because of HORMONES. Just allow her to answer in this way.

(5) “Except that statistically, there’s a significant chance you might miscarry during the first 12 weeks after the conception. Do you schedule the appointments with your doctor? Do you have the regular ultrasounds? The consultations and ultrasounds are of vital importance because the fetal morbidity and mortality correlate with maternal mortality also. Are you sure that your fetus is strong and healthy inside?”

‘YES, thank you for reminding me about the miscarriage, fetal abnormalities, fetal mortality and maternal morbidity. Thank you for inspiring the most delicate vivid remembrances of the worst scenarios I have imagined. I had taken into consideration this before you have even thought about it. Yes, I do know about this significant chance I might miscarry during the first 12 weeks after conception. Thank you for being so interested in my personal affairs. Thank you for disrupting all my inspiration for today. Thank you for reminding that everything may be wrong at any time during these first twelve weeks. In this respect, I do want to be alone today. Leave me alone and don’t even dare to utter a single word. Even don’t speak to me in a whisper. Have you ever thought before explicating something? I do know that statistically over half of all known early pregnancies end in miscarriage. I even read the adverse symptoms of miscarriage, particularly, dull–like ache in the lower abdomen, just a strong ache, which makes it hurt to lean forward and sit in certain positions, and bright red blood. Sometimes a heave flow of bright red blood. Have you ever thought how does it feel like being pregnant? No, you haven’t.’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

The very possibility that the early pregnancy might result in miscarriage is really very high. Starting around week eight, the embryo becomes a fetus. The eight week is the first essential timeline when the raspberry sized fetus has more chances of viability than the sixth–week or seventh–week embryo. But your beloved is still inside the miscarriage danger zone. And only starting from the twelve weeks you may congratulate your beloved for being pregnant as the chances of miscarrying are much lower now. These first twelve weeks are extremely essential. The thoughts about miscarriage will haunt your significant one until she reaches that mysterious three–month mark. Your beloved even will reframe these confusing, frustrating and dreadful thoughts in her mind from time to time. The most delicate way to cope with a probability of facing the miscarriage is to schedule the periodical ultrasounds on the regular basis. The strongest association with the first trimester of embryo life is an excessive embryo and fetal vulnerability, as the commonest early pregnancy complication of spontaneous miscarriage. At present, transvaginal ultrasound scanning enables the visualization of very early pregnancies prior to there being a visible embryo. Consequently, with a reasonable degree of accuracy, longitudinal assessment of early pregnancy development can be made in terms of viability and growth. It is highly recommended that a systematic re–evaluation of the current intrauterine pregnancy’s progress should be performed to confirm or refute viability, particularly, a repeat ultrasound scan should be done at a minimal interval of ONE WEEK. Do not discuss continually the possibilities of the miscarriage occurrence as your discussions won’t prevent inevitable things. Pre–schedule the ultrasound scans and appointments with your doctor during the first trimester for being sure that everything is under your control. Prevent the adverse consequences.

(6) “There is a wonderful Christmas Sale all around! Magnificent and the definition of ethereal and stylish dresses are at the greatest discounts! Even the exclusive dresses made by the respected designers! Wondering what ultimately will buy there. Do you want to check the shops in the evening today? Suppose four hours will be enough to find something excessively delicate, something wearing what we will glow and will be gorgeous. They will make us more beautiful, untouchable, unforgettable.” …or “Wonderful! This multicolored flyer says three wedding stores at the city center’s mall is having a sale on 34th, 36th, and 38th size dresses – want to go there and check it out? Pastel colors (vanilla color, champagne color, cream color) are sold with additional discount. The sale starts just in twelve days, next Wednesday. So, should we pre–schedule ‘Dress Shopping’ on Wednesday’s evening?”

‘YES, we should have the Christmas shopping ‘voyage’ around but not for four hours. Four evening hours sounds too much time. I am too exhausted to have a long–time shopping. I feel dizziness in the shopping malls because everyone around me is in a hustle. And my fatigue is so overwhelming that sometimes I can’t think at all. YES, one shopping hour is possible ‘to schedule’ for this evening. But ONLY ONE. Because this winter keeps me hiding, shivering and hiding in leggings, sweaters, and sweater dresses. I have no desire to dress up, look gorgeous and stylish and walk down the streets to the shops, cafeterias and other public places. I want to be alone and I want to curl up in my clothes. And YES, if I feel perfect, I want you to spend ONE–hour shopping with me choosing the new leggings, sweaters, and sweater dresses. And I also want to invest in a few solid pairs of warm socks to feel the warmth while being in my apartment.’

…or ‘YES, we will do shopping every two weeks. I want to be stylish, I want to have many wonderful even divine outfits to emphasize every stage of my pregnancy. Loads of them. High waisted, flowing vanilla–colored dresses with pearls, loose nude tulle dresses, champagne–colored dresses with long sleeves, the dresses that have some characteristics of an outer tunic. I want to be beyond elegance, therefore every two weeks we will spend three hours doing shopping.’

…or ‘YES, your idea sounds wonderful, I do love those dress shopping moments, so we will attend that wedding stores, but I will buy plus three sizes gown. Our something loose enough for my bump. Most probably 34th size won’t fit me in a couple of weeks. And probably I will want several different–sized dresses. My body shape will be changed greatly.’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

Whatever your pregnant fiancée does or does not consume, her body will expand almost immediately. Thanks to all the water she is destined to retain, her couture clothes will stop fitting her as early as being only six weeks pregnant even though the embryo inside her is only the size of a blueberry at that stage. Every morning will be started with the ‘Fashion Inspiration’ because her constantly changing body shape will cause serious outfit selection distress on many mornings. Serious outfit selection would sparkle so many wonderful emotions inside and she will do shopping more often, because being the pregnant means the continuous body–changes – ‘a mystery of pregnancy’, two weeks ago her tummy was accurate and not visible, right now it is more shaped, more outlined, more visible. Understanding these alterations, she has a unique opportunity to choose between hiding the belly or showing it, depending on what she wants. Looking for the new outfits, if she is not sure or if you both are not sure how to choose an appropriate size, how to make accents of colors and nuances to hide the belly or showing it, ask the style consultants to help your fiancée getting the best elegant style or excessive combination of several styles and fit. Do not forget to select something special, something gorgeous, something unforgettable and something stylish for special occasions. The basic recommendations for choosing something stylish include embracing the ‘size loyalty’ time: selecting a plus–size or plus two sizes not to be frustrated in the nearest couple of weeks because of inaccurate look or growing bump, choosing a higher waistline as her bump grows, she will want to avoid tight–fitting styles. Empire waist dresses are perfect for this because they sit comfortably above the bump. If the timeline for her second and third trimester is spring and summer, choose a soft fabric like chiffon, intricately elegant tulle or bobbinet that flows away from her body, so she can twirl with delight, move and sit more comfortable without paying too much attention to how to sit. Let it be something wonderful. Something inspiring. Something capturing. Full of voluminous silhouettes made with clouds of diaphanous fabric trimmed with gorgeous soft shimmer lace. Something that accurately and gorgeously outlines the bump, making a strong accent on it.

(7) “Wow, you are not showing at all. You look really gorgeous with languorous black eyes, the cascade of brown curls and wonderful curling smile, you are really glowing from inside, oh, no, you are sparkling brightly, and it is vividly visible, and your tummy is perfect, you have an amazing body shape. Even your body shape is perfectly modeled.” The first part of is perfect. It is a compliment for anyone. But how do you comment the following remarks? “Probably, you have misinterpreted the pregnancy signs, and, furthermore, sometimes the positive pregnancy tests are wrong. It might be you are not pregnant at all.” … or “You are joking. You have just gained a little weight. You are just dreaming about the pregnancy.”

‘YES, I am in a perfect body shape. YES, I am gorgeous, and I am glowing. And YES, I am pregnant. Why do I have an amazing body shape even if I am eighteen weeks pregnant and haven’t started showing yet? It would be nice if you stopped commenting on my body shape and my bump. Probably, at almost 20 weeks, my bump will finally start showing. And you will be the first person who will know about it. Shouldn’t that be entirely my responsibility? I exercise on the regular basis eight hours a week, I walk down the streets, I work, I do everything I have ever done before my pregnancy. Undoubtedly, you meant it as a compliment, I understand. I eat healthy food, and exercise regularly, which has resulted in a somewhat desirable body type. The body type, however, that was desirable is not desirable now that I’m pregnant. I want that bump that shows a strong wonderful baby growing inside. And I wish you stopped discussing my body shape and bump. I am not going to eat seven times a day to show you my growing bump.’

…or “When are you going to start showing?” How do you answer that? How do you show that this question hurts? ‘Next month, probably on Monday, thirtieth of December, at 11.00 a.m. in the morning, so you might want to book the tickets right now for my debut showing performance? For the first ten tickets, there is thirty percent discount. Are you still hesitating?’ I wish you understood what I feel every time you comment my body shape. I wish you stopped commenting it. I wish you stopped commenting my bump. Any further commentary is considered undesirable, obnoxious, intrusive, boring, and will inevitably elicit your comments.

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

There’s a strange tingling around your significant one or your fiancée pregnancy middle. Being pregnant, for the most part, doesn’t involve having a big bump. That seems that showing off may be postponed until the twentieth week. Being the other significant one or the best friend, sure you meant it as a compliment. But for the pregnant woman, it may sound like insulting remarks. Never make a comment, commentary or compliment about the bump, neither it is showing, nor it is not showing at all if you don’t know how does she embrace the new body shape. And even if your intentions were the most delicate, your glance was the most admiring, your smile was the most wonderful, your tone was the most emphatic, those several words may disrupt emotional patterns, behavioral patterns, nervous system patterns, self–confidence patterns, sleep patterns, and do a world of damage that you will never know. While some pregnant women embrace every single modification, which is made by the pregnancy to their body shape, others are horrified by these changes, and still, others hesitate between adoring their new pregnant body shape and resenting it wholeheartedly. Being pregnant seems that she is extremely vulnerable. Their your emotions are visible in their eyes. Perhaps she tries to laugh it off when the comment is made, but you won’t see her hours later on the floor of her apartment curled up and sobbing. No one knows that this one inaccurate comment will cause her to isolate herself out of shame and confusion, too embarrassed to partake in normal activities. She might cancel dates and might begin to shy away from the others altogether just to avoid the prospect being in a loose unperfect dress revealing or covering her bump in front of them. Those gorgeous pregnant women you caught a glimpse of embracing their visible big bumps (usually with a crown of flower accessories on their heads, or with wonderful headpieces, wearing flowing tulle dresses with adorable pearls) they are in their eighth or ninth months. But despite the fact there are no physical signs around your fiancée’s middle, sometimes, for no reason at all, she will get the sense something is going on. Ultimately the bump will be visible and shaped like a real bump. Be patient. Just be patient. Everything has its own time to appear and disappear, to be sensational and to be visible, to glow and to fade.

(8) “Sometimes you are not the same person as you were. Something has changed inside you. And it is really irritating. You are constantly throwing tantrums. What is going on? You must be a strong personality as you have always been. You are able to shape your own intentions and you understand what I am talking about. Life has never turned, doesn’t turn and won’t turn out exactly the way you want it to. Burst into tears in public is something childish. Being embarrassed in public is not a turn on. What embarrasses you? What frustrates you? What irritates you? What makes you angry?”

‘YES, if you see me having a moment of frustration and expressing that I am not satisfied with something, –– I am experiencing strong emotions and I am entrapped in another undesirable tantrum’s flow! It is hard to breathe. I cannot breathe. Every breath hurts. If I cannot shape my intentions how can I understand what are you talking about! You say that I must be strong. But I just want your warm embraces right now and nothing more, just to hear something that sounds soothing, something that sounds delicate, something that sounds reassuring. Not blaming my tantrum. Not blaming me. YES, sometimes I wish my tantrums didn’t exist. I wish that my problems and tantrums would just disappear, and I don’t particularly know how to stop those tantrums I am constantly suffering from. I’m ashamed that they are there and I don’t want you to worry about me and to be ashamed because of my behavior. Because sometimes I feel like I have to be the strong one and other times I really just want to scream. Every tantrum makes me feel so very lonely, utterly lonely, so vulnerable, and so nervous. My inner struggles are frustrating and embarrassing because I cannot cope with them silently. I want just to scream, to burst into tears and be embraced warmly by you hearing something soothing. I wish I knew how to truly make my tantrums go away, but I don’t. I don’t know how to cope with my inner struggles. Surely I don’t want to be glanced at when I am weak, dramatic, or sensitive. I have always pushed the pain far down inside of me, but now I cannot. I don’t have a cure for my emotional pain. Just cannot explain what is inside my soul. Everything is constantly altering, everything is so different, and everything is so unusual.’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

Being pregnant is being extremely sensitive. Sensitiveness correlates with tantrums. Maybe your pregnant beloved bursts into tears when she can’t find the mobile phone and she is late for work. Maybe she starts declining invitations from her friends. Maybe her health starts declining or she finds herself exhausted most of the time. An emotional balance will be disrupted because of constant alterations both in your soul and in your mind. Emotional spectrum will be excessively intensive and there won’t be inclusion/exclusion criteria how to understand the constant alterations or to prevent the occurrence of spontaneous bursting into tears or tantrums, in other words coping with emotions would be more difficult. Basically, you will feel two extremes during this time: passionate love and obsessive fear: you will be feeling like you possess a wonderful “secret” inside, which will in turn strike you as gorgeous, fascinating, and royally annoying, knowing you will soon hold your own bundle of “joy” cuddled against you and horrified of what will be later. Furthermore, the first 12 weeks (when the chances of early embryo loss/early fetal loss [early miscarriage] are very high) you will feel more like a bundle of nerves or excessively frustrated than excited. This can be explained by the fact that during pregnancy your nervous system is extremely delicate, that is why it is essential to find something that can soothe your acute feelings or make them less intensive.

Even positive thinking cannot cure you from the emotional pain. Even if you focus only on positive thoughts, the negative thoughts won’t magically fade away. It is impossible to convince yourself you shouldn’t be feeling negative emotions and avoid the pain. Emotions run in all different shapes and sizes and sometimes it is hard to soothe the temper tantrums. Embrace all the tantrums your pregnant beloved has because unfathomable losses of self–control hurt too much. Just like tantrums, emotions can be inexplicable and irrational. And the emotions can cause the tantrums. The only way to get through the tantrum is to face it. When your pregnant beloved feels overwhelming emotions inside of her, do not blame her for letting it out. Allow her to cry as long or as much as she needs. Don’t tell her to get over it and move on. Allow her to truly feel the pain and embrace it. The same goes for any other negative emotion. If it’s anger, embrace that she feels angry. Have the conversation. Let her to release from carrying the burden of that pain. Let the pain to be discussed instead of confronting it directly. Pain has no timeline. Sometimes she may experience more pain at first in order to work through it. Never compare or overshadow your own emotions, dreadful and undesirable moments or problems with the tantrums of your pregnant beloved. This is her time, let her have it all. She is in a really vulnerable position opening up to you. Every person has not only tantrums or undesirable moments but also a set of irrational emotions. Accept that certain desires another person has will be inexplicable. Be compassionate. Be a perfect listener. Ask her questions so she knows you are being sincere and actually giving her the help she needs. She should be afraid of being vulnerable or throwing tantrums or crying. She shouldn’t be afraid to feel.

(9) “What has just happened? Why are you bursting into tears? Have I uttered something wrong?”

‘NO, you haven’t uttered the wrong words. Just one vivid remembrance occurred into my mind like a flashback. I am overwhelmed by the love and by the fear what would be later. I am nervous because my bump is constantly growing and I am not so gorgeous now as I was before. Everything inspires so many different emotions inside my soul and I cannot control them. It is beyond my control. Just cannot explain to you what is inside my soul. Just want to whisper, just want to smile, just want to glance, just want to hide, just want to cry, just want to hear.’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

Being pregnant is being vulnerable. Being pregnant is being extremely touchy. Being pregnant is being completely in touch with the utmost feelings. Being pregnant is being between two extremes. Being vulnerable is having your emotions in your eyes. Being vulnerable is sharing your emotions in every gesture. Being vulnerable is something like falling in love for the first time when you commit to trusting someone with your secrets and your issues and most of all, your heart. The vulnerability is breaking or healing, being fulfilled or being in despair. It is sharing your whole heart. Life is not a show – there is no character for you to play – it is your vulnerability that tells others to wear their hearts on their sleeves, to speak of their dreams, to find a little hope, to be bold enough to make mistakes and to fail. Sometimes vulnerability is the greatest gift — when you expose the best and worst of you. Never ask about tears. Never blame your pregnant beloved for being vulnerable. Never whisper something that sounds more like a criticism then just a comment. Comments are remembered, not only in mind but also in the heart. 

(10) “Do you remember that you have promised to come to a photo studio and to collect our Christmas photos? I thought when we sat across the cafeteria table from each other last Wednesday, we made a nonverbal agreement that you would collect all of them, and we would meet here to discuss everything that should be done in the evening. Or the only thing which brings you vivid remembrances about this cafeteria is the cup of almond cappuccino you gorgeously sipped the last time we met without paying any attention to my words? Wondered what we agreed to do so? Sorry, I forgot, you have a pregnant brain! I read about pregnant brain several articles. Most of the pregnant women have inevitable changes in their brain structures because of multitude hormones which flow throughout your body. They cause the psychological changes and all your thoughts are concentrated on your baby” …or “Your brain is also pregnant, sorry, I had to understand that you are extremely forgetful because your brain doesn’t function in the same way as it did before your pregnancy…”

‘YES, the only thing I vividly remember and the only thing that sparkle so many wonderful remembrances of being here is that big cup of almond cappuccino I gorgeously sipped the last time we met. YES, I forgot that I have promised you. And YES, my brain is also pregnant. How do you think is it easy to be pregnant? Is it easy to concentrate the attention while everything inside me is constantly changing and I cannot control it? You cannot understand that feeling the baby move inside you it is not always a warm and wonderful feeling, sometimes the baby repositions inside and that hurts too much. The moment I was gorgeously sipping my almond cappuccino was the moment when my baby has already curled up and was falling asleep, I suppose, and after that, surely, you didn’t notice in a glimpse everything has changed. Your iPhone reminder indicated so loudly with that awful melody that you have the business meeting in thirty minutes and after that your business partner called you. Probably it had awakened my baby and my little one was just startled out of his sleepy dreamland. Should I describe you what I was feeling at that moment? Instead of admiring the harmony inside, I felt like he was trying to jump out. I felt strong convulsions while you were talking about something and after that for not disrupting all the romantic atmosphere of being here together, I just curled a glorious smile and glanced at you with glowing eyes. And after that my small bundle of joy repositioned himself several more times, cuddling up, twisting, stretching, kicking, practicing all delicate ballet movements inside, and I continued to be absolutely calm. How do you think is it easy to cope with such things?’

…or ‘YES, you are absolutely right, my brain not only pregnant, it doesn’t function at. And YES, right now I am not the best version of myself. And YES, I have nothing in my memory to remember. Therefore, the very best thing you can do for me is never ever saying this. And by the way, introduce yourself, I don’t remember we have ever met.’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

Stop blaming your pregnant significant one for being forgetful, because that “pregnant brain” is a real thing, especially in the third trimester, at which point the baby is basically stealing 20 percent of her blood flow. Just stop doing it. Even when she really can’t remember something or whispers something that sounds extraordinary, do not blame her. Because—whoops—pregnancy brain! Your beloved suffers or will suffer from an overwhelming case of pregnancy brain, in which the ability to remember something becomes an extreme complicacy. That’s when everything you have never imagined to be is so real. You may weigh what is arguably the biggest decision of your life, and it is a fantastic luxury, having perfect memory is also a fantastic luxury. She doesn’t have such luxury while she is pregnant. And after your baby will be born, maybe she won’t have such luxury to remember things for a long time. Furthermore, because of forgetfulness, most of the decisions done by your pregnant beloved will be based on her immediate impulses. And you should admit that the definite reasons lead to her ultimate decisions sometimes will be impossible to identify. She even might say this: I wasn’t sure I didn’t want it. I wasn’t 100%, completely, undoubtedly sure. The forgetfulness might not always be something so easily coped with. Just admit it and tolerate it.

(11) “Did you glimpse her gorgeous bump! The young pregnant woman with dark curls in floating pastel–colored dress standing near the pharmacy’s entrance. Do not glance at her in such way! Just give a furtive glance at her gorgeous bump! It is oversized! Probably she is expecting twins!” …or “Wow, wow, wow! That is really stunning! Just cannot believe my eyes! Is it a reality or my vivid dream? Look, HOW BIG you are! Your bump is extremely wonderful and VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY BIG. Are you having twins or even triplets? And are you sure that you have to expect your little one to have the debut one more month?” 

‘YES, I am oversized. And my bump is VERY BIG, even oversized for all those who are not pregnant. YES, you won’t believe that it is just one tiny baby in there curled up in the most comfortable position trying to fall asleep while you are gossiping about her so loudly, disrupting her vivid dreams. The most wonderful compliment I have always dreamt to hear is THAT MY BUMP IS ENORMOUSLY BIG. Sounds like something special, something delicate, something desirable to hear. My bump is real gold standard for comments. It brings your conversations a flow of inspiration. I do love being glanced at, glared at, glimpsed at, whispered at, smiled at, giggled at, laughed at, wondered at, gossiped at, inspired at. But most of all I do prefer being stared at in a mute amazement. I do love, love, love, love to notice that. And take into your consideration that everything you are doing is royally annoying for me. You may consider that pregnancy is magical. But it doesn’t always feel that way. Undoubtedly, I want to feel beautiful every step of the way as my baby grows inside me — as beautiful as all of you, lovely strangers or passers–by who are ‘complimenting’ my bump seem to think I am. But you just can’t get there mentally. I feel enormous being in my pregnant body, not gorgeously beautiful. And even if you think that my pregnancy is a lovely, mystical, and dreamy thing, it is absolutely different from sitting on a tuffet, eating a caramel ice cream, in floaty vanilla–colored tulle dress, and being a glowing embodiment of new life, during these nine months of expecting a baby. YES, I have already gained additional 20 pounds above my normal weight. And one REMARK for you, who will be pregnant soon, there is no maximum how much weight you may gain during pregnancy, therefore it may be 15 pounds or even 60 pounds above your normal weight. I have gained only 20 pounds, that seems that right after giving birth because you lose 10 or 15 pounds just from getting the baby out. And YES, I won’t just snap back into my pre–pregnancy body shape immediately afterward, but I will have only 5 or 10 pounds above my normal weight. Will you have the same luxury after your pregnancies if there is no gaining–weight limits? Why have you just stopped gossiping about me? Where are your voices? Where are your whispered commentaries and indignant glances?’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

There is no an absolute, one–size–fits–all formula with strong criteria for how women show during pregnancy. How big the bump will be and how exactly will the bump be shaped. Commentaries about the body shape, about the bump shape, about the bump size, are not recommended and strictly forbidden. No one likes hearing how big he his. Especially your pregnant significant one. Even if you are constantly giving her reassurance that she is looking gorgeous, your beloved doesn’t feel very self–confident with her new, twenty–plus–pound body shape. Even if she is absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, she will struggle with her body image, even knowing why she is putting on the pounds. Especially staying in lingerie every morning in the middle of the bedroom and choosing the outfit. The reality of her new body–shape is so unglamorous, and it hurts. That is the truth of it. But there is something that would help your significant one to cope with her frustration and embarrassment and would make her body shape more accurate. And you can do it. Purchase a gift card for prenatal yoga classes in a yoga studio or somewhere your significant one is allowed to attend by her doctor. The alterations of her physical shape won’t be too dramatic but after these prenatal yoga classes, her self–confidence will sparkle and ultimately, she will go back to feeling like yourself. It takes time. And you should be really delicate when commenting the bump–shape or body–shape. Remember, it is not a simple task to have one curled up baby inside the body. Be a tolerant speaker, be a patient listener. Everything needs time.

(12) “How far along are you?” …or “Are you nervous about the birth?” …or “Are you scared?” …or “It’s wonderful to consider that you will have the opportunity to prepare for birth but the thing is. Have you completed your birthing plan? I am not saying it’s a poor choice to plan your birth as you wish, but just don’t be shocked if it doesn’t turn out as expected. Do you know that everything you have included in your birthing because I have heard that birthing plans do not work in 50% of all cases, therefore you should consult with your doctor about additional medications you can include, Epidural anesthesia and emergent C–Section”. 

‘DON’T CONTINUE! I don’t want you to continue this conversation. I don’t want to hear that. YES, I do understand that I will experience an unbelievable excruciating pain. And YES, I know that everything may be different from the scenario I have in my mind. Now, I am coping with two controversial extremes, with passionate love and obsessive fear. I possess a wonderful “secret” inside and I know that soon I will hold my little one cuddled against me and at the same moment I am horrified thinking about the birth. YES, my spirit is enclosed in this pregnant body and I am really scared. YES, I am extremely terrified even having a thought about the labor. I am trying to cope with embarrassment right now. And I am keeping my pregnancy ‘glow’ and my effortless delivery to cope with my anxiety attacks. I know that my little sweetie is beautiful. My pregnancy was without complications and my delivery might be absolutely hideous. But it is impossible to predict the delivery. It can’t be that bad. Or can it?’

The simple explanation why your significant one, being pregnant told you that

It becomes exhausting after nine months of the same conversation time and time again. Even one thought about labor can cause an anxiety attack. Avoid the conversations about it. The idea of giving birth sounds really terrifying.

But if your pregnant beloved would like to discuss the labor – let this discussion to be.

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