Posted on 02/22/2018 in Pregnancy

5 feelings pregnant woman is embarrassed to talk about with you, but wish you knew

5 feelings pregnant woman is embarrassed to talk about with you, but wish you knew

You are the one who always considers her emotions and feelings as valid. You are the one who always shares all her thoughts, problems and secrets. You are the one who will drop everything if she calls you up in tears because her comfort is more important to you than finishing your affairs. You are the one who listens to her for hours, even if her words are indecipherable through her sobs. You are the one who comforts her in the moments when she wants to scream all the hurt out and she doesn’t have to pretend that everything is wonderful. You watched each other grow, shaping into new people. You thought thoughts at the same time as if something invisible had tied your hearts and minds together You both remember the past fondly and see the present clearly. Now you are both waiting for the small bundle of joy. Everything seems glowing, glittering, and sparkling, BUT sometimes feelings in her soul bring her destruction to a whole. Sometimes she loses control in everything and cannot explain you why. Because she is too confused to talk about that. There are 5 feelings pregnant woman is too embarrassed to talk about with you but wish you knew about them to help her cope with them. Intrigued which ones?

(1) ANXIETY: I am too confused to say that most of the time I am anxious about my pregnancy

‘I wish you could understand the moments when I am ANXIOUS. Because sometimes my furious fear is, Me. I wish you could hug me closer to yourself and whisper something cordial to calm my anxious mind. Sometimes worrying and thinking about my pregnancy becomes too much and overwhelms me. Because it is scary. It is like being full of blended feelings that I am not sure how to handle. The idea of my pregnancy, particularly, the idea of my constantly changing body–shape terrifies me. It can’t be controlled. My continuously growing bump, accurately shaped today may be completely reshaped tomorrow, and it is intimidating. It is something that is uncontrollable. I feel anxious and cold and nervous about it. I feel anxious and cold and nervous about my own body. I feel anxious and cold and nervous because my body is out of my control. It’s the only thing I can think about. I am obsessed with it, constantly. Day and night. All the time. Sometimes my glittering eyes are tearful, but I hold back that tears and continue to smile. Sometimes my glowing eyes are full of glittering tears, but I hold back that tears and continue the conversation with the utmost cordiality and delicacy. Sometimes my anxiety feels unmanageable. All my fears are multiplied by one hundred. I am trying to stop crying, even though the tears feel inevitable. I am trying to fall asleep and wake up the next day as if nothing bothers me. Therefore, sometimes I prefer sitting and spending some time alone, meditating. Therefore, sometimes, I prefer standing near you and glancing wistfully. Therefore, sometimes, I prefer listening to you without uttering a single word. I wish you understood me.’

(2) ANGER: I am too embarrassed to say that sometimes I am angry 

‘It hurts worse by telling you everything is fine until it catches up with me. It hurts worse when I wait until I can’t control myself anymore and everything is revealed through the heartbreaking conversation at the last minute. It hurts worse when I slowly let you resent me too. I know that because sometimes I am the one who causes the hurting. I am too confused to say that my anger is caused by my fears. I am angry because I am JUST SCARED. Scared of everything. Scared of my feelings. Scared of my thoughts. Scared of my words. Because I am pregnant and sometimes I cannot control those things I have always had the control over. I cannot control even myself. Everything inspires indignation. Sometimes it is hard to suppress my feelings, and I respond to the pain of being harassed or being intimidated with anger. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with hurt and I don’t know how to get beyond it. I cannot accurately describe you my anger. I cannot absolutely embrace my anger because my anger may be spontaneous, maybe in synchrony with something, or may unfold on a timeline. And with that comes a moment. How, when or where is not relevant. But when that moment comes, I cannot breathe again because I am overwhelmed with it. My anger has many versions. Every confusion, every embarrassment, and every frustration lead to a new version of anger. Sometimes it is a blend of confusion, nervousness, and frustration. Sometimes it is a blend of fear, self–contempt, self–shame, and self–worthlessness. My anger is undesirable, black, and suffocating. It is hot and bubbling because self–obsession and failure meet in thunderous tandem. Therefore, sometimes, I prefer not to answer your messages. Therefore, sometimes, I prefer not to cast a withering glance at you. Therefore, sometimes, I prefer just to fall asleep. I wish you hugged and soothed me.’

(3) FEAR: I am afraid and anxious, but I am trying my best not to show you that

‘The truth is, that I am scared. The essential thing you should understand about my fear is that it has a dramatic vitality. It has the long–term effects. I fear not being loved or not getting your attention I so deeply want. What’s surprising about being in fear is just how complicated it can be and just how complicated it can feel. It outlasts the remembrances that created it, even the remembrances of something envisioned in my mind. I imagine feeling the baby move inside me is a warm and wonderful feeling. But in the same moment, I am scared to feel the baby’s kicks. I am scared to feel the baby’s cuddling up, twisting, and stretching. I’m sorry, I know you’re thrilled, but I am afraid of it. Sometimes I even envision that nothing beautiful will happen in my life. Surely, I know that nothing is ever really. I am trying to embrace my fear, I am trying to accept all the alterations which have happened in my life, and sometimes I wish you JUST were there with me, I wish you listened to me and told me that I wouldn’t be alone with all my fears. That you would be with me in that moments when my fear grasps me tightly. Because you are the one who knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, but also knows when to hug me in silence. Because you are the one who can tell when I am in tears, even if I have only been texting and haven’t dropped any hints about being upset. Because you are the one who thinks I look absolutely gorgeous even in the moments when I am holding back tears. I wish you knew that in the moments when I am dreading, I want to be only with you.’

(4) Hurt feelings: I am too embarrassed to tell you about that, but sometimes you hurt me so deeply

‘I cannot list everything but for me hurt feelings are the most painful feelings, such as emotional abuse, loneliness, and heartbreak. There are many things which ‘inspire’ my hurt feelings. Hurt feelings occur when I take your behavior personally. They occur every time when I feel something cold, something embarrassing, something intimidating appears between us. They manifest through the complete misunderstanding and hurt hearts. How can I describe that? It is the metaphorical ‘break up’ using silence. When you avoid the conversations with me, or then our conversations are not cordial but cold, I feel that you do want to show me the depth and darkness of the SILENCE. It is the metaphorical ‘break up’ putting your head down and turning your phone on. When you avoid the conversations through the text messages and I know that you have just glanced through the text I had written you. It is the metaphorical ‘break up’ by not wanting to get closure, in fear of confrontation. When you avoid the open conversations about you, about me, about US, leaving me with trembling hands. And this is the turning point for my intimidation. When you are Utterly Selfish and Never Sorry for the Negligence of my feelings, I feel not just confused, or angry, or anxious, I feel COMPLETELY LOST. If you behave irresponsibly and selfishly when I need you the most because it is about your mood, your time and what you wish to do, I feel unworthy of being with you, I feel ashamed of being myself. I feel your anger. Constantly making me feel inferior, trying to correct or trying to change me in most things, you are making me feel Guilty and Ashamed of myself. My voice gets suppressed under yours without even knowing because everything is being decided by you. I have a real challenge with you that ‘I allowed’ to hurt me deeply, not once but twice, who refused to apologize and to take any responsibility. I wish I had never felt hurt. Because even when you apologize for past heart hurt, the pain continues. Because it is so difficult to forgive myself. Because it is so difficult to forget.’

(5) GUILT: It has so many versions…I wish I had never felt this feeling. Guilt for being myself destroys me

‘If something happens in our relationship, I think that I am GUILTY in that. I think that it has happened because of me. I could have prevented that situation, I could have just silently listened to your words without arguments, I could have glanced at you without indignation, I could have done everything differently. It is also that feeling like I am always losing everything and everyone. And the guilt that comes along with that is unimaginable. Every time we have an argument, I am suffering from the feeling of guilt. I am feeling guilty or ashamed of being so emotionally overwhelmed. Guilt makes me remember all the things you had been ever said that I was loved and respected and now everything is different. I feel uncaptured into a vicious circle of thoughts, emotions, feelings, and actions. Every time my guilt manifests differently. Sometimes my guilt is blended with anger, sometimes my guilt is blended with confusion, sometimes my guilt is blended with indignation, sometimes my guilt is blended with sorrow. Sometimes my guilt is utterly intensive and unmanageable. BUT EVERY TIME, my Guilt INTENSIFIES my self–worthlessness. How can I describe the guilt? It is something that whispers: “This is wonderful, but it’s too wonderful for you. There is no way this is going to last”. It makes all my failure–related remembrances so vivid as everything I thought about has just happened to me. The guilt makes me a person, who would love to categorize this as just another thing I thought too much about and the scenario I played out didn’t come true before my eyes. It makes me over-analyze things or overthinking them. My self–shame and self–guilt HURT me too much. Sometimes I don’t feel my own body. And nothing can console me. Waking up the next morning I feel more intensive shame, embarrassment, and even more guilt. I don’t like to face the truth that I lost your trust, lost your love, lost your sympathies. It leaves me excessively exhausted both emotionally and physically. The guilt consumes me. I feel worthless, ashamed, scared, hopeless, and cancel on anything that makes me anxious, even the phone conversations. Whenever I am present in my hobby–class, or at a meeting, it takes me a tremendous effort and courage to cope with intense guilt and anxiety. When you notice that sorrow has blurred my eyes with tears, I do want you to know that most of all, I do want you to say me something delicate, because I appreciate the little things. Your glowing eyes, your glittering glance, your accurate words, your delicate touch. I want you to hug me in the moments when I do want to scream all the hurt out and I don’t have to pretend that everything is wonderful. I want you to comfort me.’

CONCLUSION

Embrace all her feelings and have a conversation with her about them. Sometimes several words are enough to change everything around her. Sometimes several words are enough to change her feelings. CONVERSATION is the best way to cope with any situation. CONVERSATION with her, even if it is held in a whisper, is something inspiring, something that will make her think in a different way than she ever has before, but without ever losing sight of herself and of who she is, something that helps her to stop thinking about status and self–importance and image and brand and all those other awful concepts.

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